Why do we choose those who don't choose us: psychologists explain

This is one of the most painful and mysterious paradoxes of human feelings - we often fall in love with those who do not reciprocate our feelings. Reason says: "Let go, don't torture yourself," but the heart keeps searching for a glance, a message, attention from that very person.

Why does this happen? Why are we attracted not to the one who is ready to give love, but to the one who seems to constantly slip away?

The Psychology of Unavailability

When a person seems emotionally unreachable, a special mechanism activates within us - the desire to "conquer." We begin to perceive their attention as a reward, and the slightest sign of interest as a victory. Psychologists call this phenomenon the scarcity effect: the less frequently we receive something, the more we value it.

This is how the trap forms - we confuse love with excitement, emotions with adrenaline. We think it's real passion, although in reality we've just been drawn into a game where our feelings and self-esteem are the stakes.

Echoes of Childhood

Many of our adult infatuations are reflections of early experiences. If in childhood we had to "earn" parental attention, then as adults we often repeat this scenario: we look for love where it needs to be fought for. Subconsciously, such relationships seem "familiar" and even "right," because the brain is accustomed to the struggle for attention.

Those who grew up with a sense of stable support more often choose partners who reciprocate their feelings. But those who experienced a lack of warmth are often drawn to emotionally cold people - as if hoping to "complete" their own love through them.

Idealization of the Unattainable

When a person is unavailable, we have the opportunity to fill in the blanks with our imagination. We create an ideal image, not noticing real traits. This fantasy becomes so attractive that any reality beside it seems dull.

Sometimes being in love with an unavailable partner is a way to hide from real intimacy. Because as long as the object of love is unattainable, we can dream, suffer, write long texts in our phone notes, but not face the vulnerability of real relationships.

Love or Dependency?

When all our attention is focused on one person, and our inner world revolves around their actions, this is no longer love but emotional dependency. We're not seeking the person, but the sensation they evoke: excitement, anticipation, hope.

Real love is calmer. It doesn't include pain from silence, constant "what ifs." It includes acceptance, reciprocity, and warmth that doesn't need to be earned.

How to Break the Cycle of Unrequited Love

First - acknowledge that this isn't a story about reciprocity, but about the need to be noticed.
Second - return attention to yourself. Ask the question: what do I really want? Love or confirmation of my significance?
And third - redirect the energy: to creativity, self-development, to relationships with those who are actually there for you.

When we stop chasing those who don't choose us, people appear in our lives with whom we don't need to prove our worth. Because love is not a reward for suffering, but a meeting of two people who have consciously chosen each other.