A psychologist explained how to distinguish real love from dependency

Many confuse painful attachment with healthy love between two adults. In this case, the word "adult" is not about the numbers in the passport.

As reported by BAKU.WS, practicing psychologist Marina Sklyarova told Gazeta.Ru where the line between love and dependence lies.

"The feeling of falling in love always has a bright beginning and implies a flash of emotions and a moment of idealization, when we endow the partner with all the qualities we dreamed of, creating a gap between the real person and the invented image. This mechanism comes from childhood - a carefree time when we considered our parents perfect," she explained.

However, the next stage is disappointment: the child realizes that mom is not perfect. Then the little person understands and accepts that she cannot give him everything, but still remains loved, needed, and important - and then he begins to see the world as real, without black-and-white extremes.

"It's the same in adult relationships. After idealization, they go through an inevitable stage of disappointment. We begin to see the partner without rose-colored glasses, and if we have enough maturity, we integrate their image, accepting both the 'good' and the 'not ideal.' This is exactly how the foundation for mature love is born," said the psychologist.

If the process of separation from parents was traumatic, then in adult life, a person may unconsciously seek not love in a partner, but salvation, filling an inner emptiness, and a sense of security.

"This is how dependency forms, when life literally revolves around another. Mood, self-esteem, and well-being begin to completely depend on the partner. At the same time, the relationship goes in a vicious circle: euphoria, 'butterflies in the stomach,' and merging with the partner are replaced by anxiety and an acute thirst for attention, followed by devaluation and disappointment. This cycle can repeat for years, physically and emotionally draining," warned Sklyarova.

Unlike dependency, mature love is born from inner fullness. Its main principle is: "I feel good without you, but with you - it's better."

"This is not a need, but a conscious choice. It forms when a person has inner resources and support that come from childhood, thanks to a warm and accepting attitude from the mother. In healthy relationships, partners perceive each other not as property and an addition to themselves, but in terms of separate individuals. They respect each other's boundaries, learn to negotiate, and don't try to remake each other. Such love brings peace and a sense of stability; there is no place for anxiety, control, and fear of loss. In it, you can openly talk about your feelings, get angry, rejoice, miss each other, while remaining in warm contact with each other," the specialist added.

To understand the nature of your relationship, honestly answer yourself a few questions.

"Do you feel like an adult who can negotiate, or a child who either idolizes or accuses? Do you feel good both with your partner and alone, or does life lose meaning in their absence? Do you respect your own and others' boundaries? Do you expect your partner to save you from external problems and internal torments? Mature love is not perfect, but it is real, and in it you can boldly be imperfect, but still be accepted and loved," the psychologist concluded.